Today was the ultra-sound.
Without further ado – we’re having a boy.
Now, let me say that in my excited voice:
“WE’RE HAVING A BOY!!!!!!!”
But let me tell you how it went. We talked about it this morning – I was still confident it was a girl. We talked about it in the waiting room. I was still confident. We talked about it as we walked into the radiology room. I was still confident. We were talking about it as the radiologist came in . . .
So that was the first thing she checked. And it was a boy.
And I still didn’t believe her. She had to show me. Twice.
And the rest of the ultra sound was a blur. Everything looked good.
We sat just outside the radiology room while we waited for them to burn the CD of pictures. And I cried.
I really did.
Because I really felt like it was going to be a girl . . .
I have a neighbor who has visions of her children. She has a really hard time getting pregnant. She has years between each child. But she has visions, and knows who they are and what they will look like. And it carries her through the years of difficulty.
And I have another friend who had a very special vision of her baby . . . without going into too much detail, her daughter is darling.
And so I just wonder: what is up with me? Do I not have those motherly instincts? Why don’t I “know?”
I was talking with another friend about this six weeks ago or so. She asked what would happen if I was wrong. And I said – well, that could happen, but I didn’t think it would. I know other people who have been wrong, and taken it really personally – like destroyed their sense of purpose in motherhood.
I don’t think I’m that person. Even as I cried today, it wasn’t because I wasn’t excited to be a mother again, to be given a little soul who will be my blessing and eternal glory. (Wyatt says that’s dramatic. But I think it’s just an accurate description of what motherhood is). I am so grateful that I am having a baby, that he’s healthy, that our journey is relatively simple.
As we talked afterwards, I sheepishly admitted: “You know what I’m most disappointed about?” to Wyatt –
Not being able to pull out and use all of Olivia’s DARLING baby clothes again.
Now that I’m having a boy, I have to change my WHOLE plan – you know, nursery, gifts, names.
I like the name Ferb.
Oh no!!! I had my fingers crossed all day and you were on my mind all day long. Guess you really are back the drawing board. On a positive note, we will have little boys that are only maybe days apart. Great buddies 🙂
I completely understand what you’re going through. I was soooo sure Benjamin was going to be a Maya. We even walked into the ultrasound saying, “Why are we here? We already know it’s a girl.” But I realized that here was another strong priesthood holder and another future missionary and I felt proud to be having a boy. And now that I’ve had a girl too, I’d take a boy over a girl any day!! The melodrama is a killer! Boys just trash your house and get over it. I say, Congrats on the boy!! I’m happy for you, even if maybe you’re not so very excited yet.