I’ve been talking with some friends lately about guilt – the concept and the application in life, and how I don’t have it.
And since it’s now 5:40 am en la manyana, and I can’t sleep, how ’bout a little blogging time.
When I say I don’t feel guilt, I’m only half joking. It’s kinda that concept they teach in Releif Society – compassion. (See, I seem to learn some lessons very well.)
In releif society they always talk about the importance of compassion on those around us, (another conversation), AND that we should have compassion on ourselves. And I think that’s where I’m at. Am I perfect? @(#*! No. But am I trying to do better in all areas of my life, constantly working to draw closer to the Lord, and be better at fulfilling my earthly responsibilities? Yes.
And in that sense, if I were an outside person looking in on myself, I would tell myself to keep working and move forward, not get bogged down by guilt.
See my reasoning?
Now, there’s the flip side of guilt – the reason I believe Heavenly Father gives us that emotion or sensitivity to the Spirit. To me, at 5:46 in the morning, it is two fold:
1) To prick our conscience into humility and repentance. But any priesthood leader will tell you, once you’ve repented, you MUST move on. This is the “don’t get bogged down” stuff (see above).
2) To motivate us to become better – in my case a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, neighbor, and daughter of my Heavenly Father.
But I’m not motivated by guilt. Indeed, the very concept that someone would tell me I need to feel guilt is lame. Don’t I already work so hard at the above? If someone told me that what I was doing was simply not good enough (and I know it’s not, but if someone actually told me that) then I would lay in bed the rest of my life, and give up. I would be so overwhelmed by the enormity of it all.
And this comes into parenting, and Heavenly Father’s perfect at it. He doesn’t seem to motivate me by guilt. But does that mean I’m not motivated? Nope. I definately am.
Here’s the secret. My motivation: FEAR.
My personality gives me plenty of it.
Fear that I’m going to be such a crappy mom that my kids are going to have sad, hard lives (cue the waterworks at 5:52 am).
Fear that when I lose my temper with the kids it’s going to turn into a long term effect and . . . I’m going to ruin them.
Fear that if I’m too soft and woozy my kids will turn into ill-functioning disasters.
Fear that if I’m too strick or demanding my kids will hate me.
Fear that I’m going to be foolish financially, and my family will suffer.
Fear that the dinners I make are going to have bad health effects.
Fear that if I don’t have just the right relationship with Heavenly Father, I won’t be in tune enough to prevent all of the above.
So – the question then becomes . . . when one has these feelings, be it guilt or fear, how does one move forward, and not be so crippled that you can’t see past the horrible into the wonderful?
For me, Heavenly Father sends me people every once in a long while that remind me:
We must move forward with faith. We cannot see the end from the beginning. But no matter how life turns out, Heavenly Father has promised that in the eternities there will be a lot of joy and happiness getting spread aroud.
Proceeded (I imagine) by years of Heavenly Counseling.
*For my kiddies when you are adults, if you are reading this: I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t when I should have, or did when I oughn’t. Please, please, please know I love you.